Garden beasties

Dedicated to Jo and her love of garden beasties from the UK

She don't like slugs, she don't like snails

She doesn't like their slimy trails

Or any insect with a tail

Especially those worms

She don't like toads, she don't like frogs

Or creatures that live in a bog

She hates to see those pollywogs

Or anything that squirms

She don't like lizards nor those snakes

no slithering please, for goodness sake

Don't give those pesky scales a shake

or fleeing she shall go

She don't like bugs that poke and sting

Of whirly whatsits on the wings

And pretty much all funny things

She's very odd that Jo.

Drunken pirate

 What shall we do with the drunken pirate

What shall we do with the drunken pirate 

Let's stand back and all admire it

Early in the morning 

He is intoxicated 

He is inebriated 

His style is now x rated

Half seas over pirate

Shave his eyebrows with a shaver 

Sharpie pens are a life saver

Fill his hat with cheesy quavers

Early in the morning

He is intoxicated 

He is inebriated 

His style in understated 

Half seas over pirate

Paint his face, so he looks the part

Chuck him in a skip or a wheelie cart

Tate modern, I've made a piece of art

Early in the morning 

He is intoxicated 

He is inebriated 

Critics say he now top rated

Half seas over pirate

Replace his hat with a traffic cone

Write a sign, if found send home

Please return to the O2 Dome

Early in the morning

He is intoxicated 

Still think he's inebriated 

Unconscious overrated 

Early in the morning

What shall we do with the drunken pirate

What shall we do with the drunken pirate 

So much to do to the drunken pirate

Early in the morning.

Writing helpful labels

 Twas the night just last Friday

and through the abode

With boxes a plenty, 

the men did unload

For this poet was moving

To a house now in town

As I did pack the boxes 

It was chaos unbound 

Well I got bored just writing

kitchen, bathroom and such

I decided quite madly

needs a good poets touch

For the labels on boxes

Helpful not for the task

"This label says Whips"

said the chap, had to ask

My labels were bonkers

I wrote 'contains skulls'

and bad taxidermy 

of roadkill seagulls

It's bottles of air

If it's heavy, it's bricks

and a label in red

said collection of sticks

I wrote labels a plenty

And I'm sorry dear mates

I realized, I'm foolish..

for I can't find the plates

 

Good to talk.

 It's good to talk, I hear them say

hashtag part lie around today

A copy paste, unfretful thumb

As enthusiastic as humdrum

The band wagon, do show you care

I'm here, a click and awkward share

As fleeting as an April shower

Only available for 24 hours

Worse, glance down, look at your friends

Notice those now at wits end

Unless you message, let's chat, let's walk

Don't post the hashtag  'it's good to talk'

Triggered mental health and me

The pretence Pseudology

It's bad enough help is so rare

But please don't pretend you care

Botox

 I know of many ladies

Using Botox, oh God why

The only filler I'd let near my face

is the filler in a pie

Love

 Love is a simple touch

A hand that says I'm here

A smile without any words

A laugh, a cry, a tear

Love is simply kindness

Love is being there

Love is something good

Love just means to care.

Happy new year

 Happy new year to all my followers.

You won't hear from me for a while as I will be moving house.

All

 Twas the day of the solstice 

 and all through the world

For the ancients had come

Their reasons are told

The seasons were changing

 they looked to the sun

With hundreds of faiths, 

all standing as one

With Druids and Celtic

 and Roman and Norse

Slavic and shaman

 and Germanic of course 

With Heathens and witches

And Wiccans we stand

Peaceful and happy

across this fair land

Some have one deity

Others have more

Gods and the goddesses 

From shore to shore

Some worship nature

Some worship none

But still come together 

To welcome the sun

No words come in anger

with what you perceive

You will not get punished 

for what you believe 

No one feels they're better

No faith is the way

It is what brings you comfort

at the end of the day

The world still keeps spinning 

No need for disguise 

If you banned all religions 

The sun would still rise

We would still come together 

and welcome the light

I would promise 

It would be a wonderful sight.

Floody wonderland

Dedicated to those who have floods this year

Weather man says it's raining

In the queue, we've complaining

We won't get the snow

But it's Christmas who knows

We're walking in a floody wonderland 

It's just rain you are hearing

Leaky roof you are fearing

It's belting tonight

Hope it stops by first light

walking in a floody wonderland

There's no chance for the traders

Less you own boots and waders

The drains are a joke

Cos the council is broke

Walking in the floody wonderland

Do give up on the shopping

Offer up, I'll do mopping

The weather's not dry

Seen a swan swimming by

Walking in a floody wonderland 

Walking in a bloody floody muddy wonderland 

Advent of mild disappointment

 Advent calendars are cool today

With a gift found in every date

But I do recall my time as a child

that the choices were slightly cheapskate 

Just a door with nothing inside

Just an image found slightly in blur

Oh a bell or a wonky snowman

And I think a wise man holding myrrh

Do take care my mummy would say

Don't tear the window my dear

That's because my mummy was tight

We had the same bloody one every year.

Bed socks and socks in general

Oh joy it time for bed socks

A gift of - why on earth

A lovely - can't be bothered

A not what they are worth

Oh joy a long soft present 

A usual - can't have guessed

Of smiling urge to open

Too - now I am depressed 

less novelty type of teacup

A desperate - they'll be chuffed

Of unwrap finding horror

Can't tell them - please get stuffed

Do try -They ask with longing

I shift upon my seat

Socks extra wide and comfy

are now peeled off my feet

A note to see the size chart

Oh joy- one size fits all

In whisper - no it doesn't 

Unless your feet are small

OH who needs circulation 

A laugh under review 

I'll wear them for an hour

Till my legs turn bright blue.

Flameless altar candle

 

I never got the notion to show my true devotion 

Buying me those plastic candles with a little plastic Light 

You teach your pagan sprogs that a lit flame causes fog

and possibly the ouch you get from learning from your fright

Oh dear my sleeves on fire, is a typical require

from a pagan or a Wiccan tending candles for a spell

But you can't be fantastic, if your candle flame is plastic

So I'm guessing that the magic won't be any good as well

But back to aimless natter bout the dangers of the latter 

And the idea that a candle isn't anything but lame

It's seems to be unfair, that the thought of taking care

You never know the feeling when your robes burst into flames

So maybe an invention is a super intervention 

to create a special candle that looks real but it is not

It look and feels authentic with a hint of panhellenic 

For the candles make of plastic but the flame is rather hot

A nod to the suggesters, the wonderful ancestors 

But maybe if plastic candles was a sort of mineral 

I may be slightly musing with a hint of tad amusing

But lacking proper flames would work less in a brazen bull

Cats with odd human names

 People name cats in the cutest of ways 

Like fluffy or twinkles, or frazzle 

But never you hear or it is quite rare

To hear someone call their cat Basil 

Or maybe just Chris for it starts with a C

It is easy to say it aloud

Though pronouns are easy when it comes to a cat

So Chris ticks all boxes, be proud

Male cats are known as boring old Tom

For those who lack in the sell

And if you want even more fun

Just name that cat Bernard as well

Those thinking about T S Eliot's way

 Or cats of a pure lineage job

It's pedigree name Sir Batten of burg 

Or at home known quite simply as Bob

But as I research for the name of a cat

And some of those names are uncanny 

I was eager to find, but I never did find

someone naming that pussy cat 'Fanny.'

Gonk

 I do like a proper Gonk 

Of Nordic variety 

As having Gonks around your home

will bring you luck you see

A proper Gonk should always have

A hat that's tall and weird

To cover everything there is

apart from nose and beard

Oh hail to you dear proper Gonk 

Your history is wise

And mythical you are my friend

In every shape and size

I'd rather have a proper Gonk 

Who sits upon my shelf

Than that tacky little arsehole

the naughty Christmas elf.

    

Drawers

What's wrong with your drawers?

Let's have a look

Cobwebs and stains found within 

What's wrong with your drawers

Needs a firm knob

Or something quite firm to break in

What's wrong with your drawers

Something is stuck

Oh God it feels sticky inside

What's wrong with your drawers

What can I smell?

Surely there's something that's died

What's wrong with your drawers

At last we can see

Oh dear see this terrible mess

What's wrong with your drawers

It's rammed to the brim

It may take a while, I confess 

What's wrong with your drawers

Now they look clean

Everythings now organized

What's wrong with your drawers

Is the stuff you ram in

Shoving stuff in your drawers isn't wise

Every year I spring clean my friends wooden kitchen drawers 

Sometimes there are splinters in her bottom-

one