Floody wonderland

Dedicated to those who have floods this year

Weather man says it's raining

In the queue, we've complaining

We won't get the snow

But it's Christmas who knows

We're walking in a floody wonderland 

It's just rain you are hearing

Leaky roof you are fearing

It's belting tonight

Hope it stops by first light

walking in a floody wonderland

There's no chance for the traders

Less you own boots and waders

The drains are a joke

Cos the council is broke

Walking in the floody wonderland

Do give up on the shopping

Offer up, I'll do mopping

The weather's not dry

Seen a swan swimming by

Walking in a floody wonderland 

Walking in a bloody floody muddy wonderland 

Advent of mild disappointment

 Advent calendars are cool today

With a gift found in every date

But I do recall my time as a child

that the choices were slightly cheapskate 

Just a door with nothing inside

Just an image found slightly in blur

Oh a bell or a wonky snowman

And I think a wise man holding myrrh

Do take care my mummy would say

Don't tear the window my dear

That's because my mummy was tight

We had the same bloody one every year.

Bed socks and socks in general

Oh joy it time for bed socks

A gift of - why on earth

A lovely - can't be bothered

A not what they are worth

Oh joy a long soft present 

A usual - can't have guessed

Of smiling urge to open

Too - now I am depressed 

less novelty type of teacup

A desperate - they'll be chuffed

Of unwrap finding horror

Can't tell them - please get stuffed

Do try -They ask with longing

I shift upon my seat

Socks extra wide and comfy

are now peeled off my feet

A note to see the size chart

Oh joy- one size fits all

In whisper - no it doesn't 

Unless your feet are small

OH who needs circulation 

A laugh under review 

I'll wear them for an hour

Till my legs turn bright blue.

Flameless altar candle

 

I never got the notion to show my true devotion 

Buying me those plastic candles with a little plastic Light 

You teach your pagan sprogs that a lit flame causes fog

and possibly the ouch you get from learning from your fright

Oh dear my sleeves on fire, is a typical require

from a pagan or a Wiccan tending candles for a spell

But you can't be fantastic, if your candle flame is plastic

So I'm guessing that the magic won't be any good as well

But back to aimless natter bout the dangers of the latter 

And the idea that a candle isn't anything but lame

It's seems to be unfair, that the thought of taking care

You never know the feeling when your robes burst into flames

So maybe an invention is a super intervention 

to create a special candle that looks real but it is not

It look and feels authentic with a hint of panhellenic 

For the candles make of plastic but the flame is rather hot

A nod to the suggesters, the wonderful ancestors 

But maybe if plastic candles was a sort of mineral 

I may be slightly musing with a hint of tad amusing

But lacking proper flames would work less in a brazen bull

Cats with odd human names

 People name cats in the cutest of ways 

Like fluffy or twinkles, or frazzle 

But never you hear or it is quite rare

To hear someone call their cat Basil 

Or maybe just Chris for it starts with a C

It is easy to say it aloud

Though pronouns are easy when it comes to a cat

So Chris ticks all boxes, be proud

Male cats are known as boring old Tom

For those who lack in the sell

And if you want even more fun

Just name that cat Bernard as well

Those thinking about T S Eliot's way

 Or cats of a pure lineage job

It's pedigree name Sir Batten of burg 

Or at home known quite simply as Bob

But as I research for the name of a cat

And some of those names are uncanny 

I was eager to find, but I never did find

someone naming that pussy cat 'Fanny.'

Gonk

 I do like a proper Gonk 

Of Nordic variety 

As having Gonks around your home

will bring you luck you see

A proper Gonk should always have

A hat that's tall and weird

To cover everything there is

apart from nose and beard

Oh hail to you dear proper Gonk 

Your history is wise

And mythical you are my friend

In every shape and size

I'd rather have a proper Gonk 

Who sits upon my shelf

Than that tacky little arsehole

the naughty Christmas elf.

    

Drawers

What's wrong with your drawers?

Let's have a look

Cobwebs and stains found within 

What's wrong with your drawers

Needs a firm knob

Or something quite firm to break in

What's wrong with your drawers

Something is stuck

Oh God it feels sticky inside

What's wrong with your drawers

What can I smell?

Surely there's something that's died

What's wrong with your drawers

At last we can see

Oh dear see this terrible mess

What's wrong with your drawers

It's rammed to the brim

It may take a while, I confess 

What's wrong with your drawers

Now they look clean

Everythings now organized

What's wrong with your drawers

Is the stuff you ram in

Shoving stuff in your drawers isn't wise

Every year I spring clean my friends wooden kitchen drawers 

Sometimes there are splinters in her bottom-

one

Trick and treat.

 Oh watch those kiddies Darling 

Do teach them to beware

It is the scary season

I hope they don't get scared

Keep watch for blood red costumes

And teeth of yellow hue

Those nasty fake disguises

Do watch, they will get you

Oh dear such dreadful manners

It's such a trick or treat

To ask if you are naughty 

Depends on if you get a treat

Oh my! Do just keep walking

An adult stranger, just like that

Asking if my niece and nephew 

wants to sit up on his lap

I'm sorry, do I know you

Not a way to treat my niece 

I'm sorry but you're creepy

So I need to shout police

Oh Santa is now crying 

And his elves feel such a fail

As I had them all arrested 

They'll spend Xmas is a jail 

Silent night I wish

 

Radio light, tunes are alright 

DJ playlist is good most the night

Hints December from adverts afar

Wabbling sounds, like Mariah- aghhh

Christ! The music tonight

December the music is shite

Anyone there

 

I promise this is the last Halloween themed poem before I get on to my annual ruining Xmas songs before I get back into writing proper stuff. ish

I got myself a spirit board

To see how I would go

I asked if anyone was there

The pointer went to NO

More dolls.

 

Message from one of my fans regarding evil dolls, occasionally I get a fearful post.

'Please. You can destroy Tiny Tears and Barbie, but please not Sindy and Pippa!

It's almost like she walked into that. Please note, Sindy and Pippa were popular dolls in the united Kingdom back then. Mostly because they were cheaper. 

Stretching fingers on the keyboard and lets out a cackle....and pootles off to do some doll related research.....

You're never going to find I'm sure

Upon our very British shore

Though even with our ancient lore

You'll find no curses near

Oh but in old USA

Cursed objects, every other day 

The priest brought in, on extra pay

An attic full of gear

A haunted box, a spooky book

A Barbie with an evil look

That scary Muppet swedish cook

It's one big cursed field day

In UK attics you will see

A very knackered Christmas tree

A Pippa doll without her knees

A box of pub ashtrays

One slightly decomposed brown rat

A novelty type birthday hat

A general why?- did we keep that!

A teddy that has burst

Let out a scream, full of dread

A Sindy doll, with felt tipped head

Could sell on eBay, by a thread

More money, just say cursed

Dolls

 Sorry I've got a theme going, must be Halloween on the united kingdom 

Dolls

There's something rather creepy

about those antique dolls

Glass eyes that blink discreetly 

They stare without a soul

Fine china lacks emotion

As plain as a statue

Depending on their notion

Not sure they'd murder you

For it's less of a worry

as China dolls are small

It's not like they can hurry 

They break when they do fall

In truth they are not bendy

So movements are not quick

And if they seen less friendly 

Just smash them with a brick

There's something rather creepy 

About those wooden dolls

Their movements jerk completely 

Again they lack a soul

With varnished faces painted

and lips gone quite askew 

Their style is rather dated

Not sure they'll murder you

For it's less of a worry

As wooden dolls are thick

It's not like they can hurry 

Being made from just a stick

But if they do turn frightful 

Just chop them with an axe

They may turn out quite useful

Since the winter fuels been taxed

Meanwhile...

 You're read my other poem 

about the terror of the clowns

for clowns do warn they're creepy

so no chance too let you down

But the victims are so terrible 

It's cliche with a sigh

No wonder they go quickly 

This is the reason why....

They've announced there is a curfew

For the killer clowns in sight

Do arrange to have a party

with your mates on that same night

Pick a lovely little building 

So secluded, exits none

Full of tools for random farming

Just enough for everyone 

In your place, it's not that scary

with that killer clown next door

But remember, have a shower 

or a bath or even more

Dance around, just in your undies

Advertise yourself at home

Shout at random creepy strangers

Look at me! I'm on my own.

Being chased? Do run slowly 

Flail your arms around your hair 

When you jog, do trip on feathers

Leaves and sometimes just on air

Check to see that he is following 

It is nice, he thinks your sweet

That you're stopped to have breather

in the middle of the street

I'm kinda rooting for the clown now. 🤡🤡

Clowns

🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈🎈

 At many children parties

They dance amongst the young 

With noses colour scarlet

balloons and cakes and fun

They're comical and silly

and grin a big red smile

But the adults know the secret

In the movies clowns are vile

There's Pennywise and joker

and killer clowns from space

Be warned of captain Spaulding 

He'll get you in his place

Don't stop if they are smiling

when walking down the town

There's nothing worse that being chased 

by Art the sodding clown

Some folks who are quite mental 

Have clowns that look like dolls

they seem to all ride tricycles

I doubt you'll find their souls

Oh my! a fluffy harlequin

Contains the antichrist 

Is it anyway related

to those dolls in Poltergeist?

Dog time

 I will just stare

Tip my head, are you aware

Still not noticing me

Big yawn, please see

Oh it's nearly time

Maybe I'll let out a whine 

Look into my eyes

Still nothing, big sigh

Different approach 

Dinner time needs a coach

She's hiding behind her screen 

Maybe let out a barking scream

She's just said FINE!

Zoomies wagging time

Chomping, like I'm starving, funny

Doggy biscuits in my tummy

Wait an hour and start again.