National poetry writing month

National poetry writing month
A month of madness

Tuesday, 11 March 2025

Garden beasties

Dedicated to Jo and her love of garden beasties from the UK

She don't like slugs, she don't like snails
She doesn't like their slimy trails
Or any insect with a tail
Especially those worms
She don't like toads, she don't like frogs
Or creatures that live in a bog
She hates to see those pollywogs
Or anything that squirms

She don't like lizards nor those snakes
no slithering please, for goodness sake
Don't give those pesky scales a shake
or fleeing she shall go
She don't like bugs that poke and sting
Of whirly whatsits on the wings
And pretty much all funny things
She's very odd that Jo.


Saturday, 8 March 2025

Drunken pirate

 What shall we do with the drunken pirate
What shall we do with the drunken pirate 
Let's stand back and all admire it
Early in the morning 

He is intoxicated 
He is inebriated 
His style is now x rated
Half seas over pirate

Shave his eyebrows with a shaver 
Sharpie pens are a life saver
Fill his hat with cheesy quavers
Early in the morning

He is intoxicated 
He is inebriated 
His style in understated 
Half seas over pirate

Paint his face, so he looks the part
Chuck him in a skip or a wheelie cart
Tate modern, I've made a piece of art
Early in the morning 

He is intoxicated 
He is inebriated 
Critics say he now top rated
Half seas over pirate

Replace his hat with a traffic cone
Write a sign, if found send home
Please return to the O2 Dome
Early in the morning

He is intoxicated 
Still think he's inebriated 
Unconscious overrated 
Early in the morning

What shall we do with the drunken pirate
What shall we do with the drunken pirate 
So much to do to the drunken pirate
Early in the morning.

















Thursday, 27 February 2025

Writing helpful labels

 Twas the night just last Friday
and through the abode
With boxes a plenty, 
the men did unload

For this poet was moving
To a house now in town
As I did pack the boxes 
It was chaos unbound 

Well I got bored just writing
kitchen, bathroom and such
I decided quite madly
needs a good poets touch

For the labels on boxes
Helpful not for the task
"This label says Whips"
said the chap, had to ask

My labels were bonkers
I wrote 'contains skulls'
and bad taxidermy 
of roadkill seagulls

It's bottles of air
If it's heavy, it's bricks
and a label in red
said collection of sticks

I wrote labels a plenty
And I'm sorry dear mates
I realized, I'm foolish..
for I can't find the plates



 









Thursday, 6 February 2025

Good to talk.

 It's good to talk, I hear them say
hashtag part lie around today
A copy paste, unfretful thumb
As enthusiastic as humdrum

The band wagon, do show you care
I'm here, a click and awkward share
As fleeting as an April shower
Only available for 24 hours

Worse, glance down, look at your friends
Notice those now at wits end
Unless you message, let's chat, let's walk
Don't post the hashtag  'it's good to talk'

Triggered mental health and me
The pretence Pseudology
It's bad enough help is so rare
But please don't pretend you care












Saturday, 25 January 2025

Botox

 I know of many ladies

Using Botox, oh God why

The only filler I'd let near my face

is the filler in a pie





Wednesday, 22 January 2025

Love

 Love is a simple touch
A hand that says I'm here
A smile without any words
A laugh, a cry, a tear

Love is simply kindness
Love is being there
Love is something good
Love just means to care.



Tuesday, 31 December 2024

Happy new year

 Happy new year to all my followers.

You won't hear from me for a while as I will be moving house.


Saturday, 21 December 2024

All

 Twas the day of the solstice 
 and all through the world
For the ancients had come
Their reasons are told
The seasons were changing
 they looked to the sun
With hundreds of faiths, 
all standing as one

With Druids and Celtic
 and Roman and Norse
Slavic and shaman
 and Germanic of course 
With Heathens and witches
And Wiccans we stand
Peaceful and happy
across this fair land

Some have one deity
Others have more
Gods and the goddesses 
From shore to shore
Some worship nature
Some worship none
But still come together 
To welcome the sun

No words come in anger
with what you perceive
You will not get punished 
for what you believe 
No one feels they're better
No faith is the way
It is what brings you comfort
at the end of the day

The world still keeps spinning 
No need for disguise 
If you banned all religions 
The sun would still rise
We would still come together 
and welcome the light
I would promise 
It would be a wonderful sight.





Friday, 13 December 2024

Floody wonderland


Dedicated to those who have floods this year


Weather man says it's raining
In the queue, we've complaining
We won't get the snow
But it's Christmas who knows
We're walking in a floody wonderland 

It's just rain you are hearing
Leaky roof you are fearing
It's belting tonight
Hope it stops by first light
walking in a floody wonderland

There's no chance for the traders
Less you own boots and waders
The drains are a joke
Cos the council is broke
Walking in the floody wonderland

Do give up on the shopping
Offer up, I'll do mopping
The weather's not dry
Seen a swan swimming by
Walking in a floody wonderland 

Walking in a bloody floody muddy wonderland 




















Thursday, 12 December 2024

Advent of mild disappointment

 Advent calendars are cool today
With a gift found in every date
But I do recall my time as a child
that the choices were slightly cheapskate 

Just a door with nothing inside
Just an image found slightly in blur
Oh a bell or a wonky snowman
And I think a wise man holding myrrh

Do take care my mummy would say
Don't tear the window my dear
That's because my mummy was tight
We had the same bloody one every year.









Wednesday, 4 December 2024

Bed socks and socks in general

Oh joy it time for bed socks
A gift of - why on earth
A lovely - can't be bothered
A not what they are worth

Oh joy a long soft present 
A usual - can't have guessed
Of smiling urge to open
Too - now I am depressed 

less novelty type of teacup
A desperate - they'll be chuffed
Of unwrap finding horror
Can't tell them - please get stuffed

Do try -They ask with longing
I shift upon my seat
Socks extra wide and comfy
are now peeled off my feet

A note to see the size chart
Oh joy- one size fits all
In whisper - no it doesn't 
Unless your feet are small

OH who needs circulation 
A laugh under review 
I'll wear them for an hour
Till my legs turn bright blue.










Monday, 2 December 2024

Flameless altar candle

 

I never got the notion to show my true devotion 

Buying me those plastic candles with a little plastic Light 

You teach your pagan sprogs that a lit flame causes fog

and possibly the ouch you get from learning from your fright


Oh dear my sleeves on fire, is a typical require

from a pagan or a Wiccan tending candles for a spell

But you can't be fantastic, if your candle flame is plastic

So I'm guessing that the magic won't be any good as well


But back to aimless natter bout the dangers of the latter 

And the idea that a candle isn't anything but lame

It's seems to be unfair, that the thought of taking care

You never know the feeling when your robes burst into flames


So maybe an invention is a super intervention 

to create a special candle that looks real but it is not

It look and feels authentic with a hint of panhellenic 

For the candles make of plastic but the flame is rather hot


A nod to the suggesters, the wonderful ancestors 

But maybe if plastic candles was a sort of mineral 

I may be slightly musing with a hint of tad amusing

But lacking proper flames would work less in a brazen bull











Sunday, 1 December 2024

Cats with odd human names





 People name cats in the cutest of ways 
Like fluffy or twinkles, or frazzle 
But never you hear or it is quite rare
To hear someone call their cat Basil 

Or maybe just Chris for it starts with a C
It is easy to say it aloud
Though pronouns are easy when it comes to a cat
So Chris ticks all boxes, be proud

Male cats are known as boring old Tom
For those who lack in the sell
And if you want even more fun
Just name that cat Bernard as well

Those thinking about T S Eliot's way
 Or cats of a pure lineage job
It's pedigree name Sir Batten of burg 
Or at home known quite simply as Bob

But as I research for the name of a cat
And some of those names are uncanny 
I was eager to find, but I never did find
someone naming that pussy cat 'Fanny.'










Saturday, 30 November 2024

Gonk







 I do like a proper Gonk 
Of Nordic variety 
As having Gonks around your home
will bring you luck you see
A proper Gonk should always have
A hat that's tall and weird
To cover everything there is
apart from nose and beard
Oh hail to you dear proper Gonk 
Your history is wise
And mythical you are my friend
In every shape and size
I'd rather have a proper Gonk 
Who sits upon my shelf
Than that tacky little arsehole
the naughty Christmas elf.










    




Drawers

What's wrong with your drawers?
Let's have a look
Cobwebs and stains found within 
What's wrong with your drawers
Needs a firm knob
Or something quite firm to break in

What's wrong with your drawers
Something is stuck
Oh God it feels sticky inside
What's wrong with your drawers
What can I smell?
Surely there's something that's died

What's wrong with your drawers
At last we can see
Oh dear see this terrible mess
What's wrong with your drawers
It's rammed to the brim
It may take a while, I confess 

What's wrong with your drawers
Now they look clean
Everythings now organized
What's wrong with your drawers
Is the stuff you ram in
Shoving stuff in your drawers isn't wise


Every year I spring clean my friends wooden kitchen drawers 
Sometimes there are splinters in her bottom-
one