National poetry writing month

National poetry writing month
A month of madness

Saturday 16 March 2024

Nadine

To Nadine
Thankyou friend for reading and laughing
For kindness you showed to so many
For family love
For the odd sarcastic comment.
For being my biggest fan
Rest in peace my Nadine








Wednesday 13 March 2024

Positively depressed



Help yourself, found in a quote 
I'm sure they're written as a joke
To help to combat feeling stressed
   Makes me positively depressed

Pilgrimage now to neverland
No scientific proof to hand
But what the hell give it a try
You'll laugh untill you cry 

Try yoga every other day
Breathe your sadness far away
Meditate on magic hills
Take sage and onion pills

"Yes it works" They say they are
after sticking crystals in their bra
Hugging trees, or drinking wee
Optimistically 

Oi witchy doctor quackery
Just keep your nonsense far from me
Your ways to combat being stressed
   Makes me positively depressed



 

Sunday 10 March 2024

Happy mummy day

 Happy mother day to my mummy readers. I hope you are having a lovely day having snuggly wugglys Here's a little poem about your darlings*


 Why thank you for the present
It's kind of you and cheers
My darling little children
who wear such furry ears
A lovely gift you've left here
upon my nice clean bed
A little mouse for petting
A shame that it is dead


Why thankyou for the present
dear children that are mine
Another gift so thoughtful
Your taste is so divine
A little ball of funness
All snuggly with fur
Upon my lap you left it
with the happy noise of Blurghhhh




* Cats. They are children aren't they? I don't know who you think I was talking about.





Friday 8 March 2024

Green

Mother hates these pretty blooms
Her colour scheme is pastel gloom
To find green bunches does take hours
So here's a gift of cauliflowers

Happy Mummykins day

Tuesday 27 February 2024

What is it

 My group do meet on Tuesday
We art and craft and chat
And most of our creations
are... What the hell is that!

Our leader, and our teacher
Our crafty diplomat 
Though god knows what she's drawing
No really! What is that?

The subject looks quite simple
Just keep to the format
But now we have all finished
It's... What in god is that?

Sunday 18 February 2024

Rap

 Dedicated to M C Kay public enemy on the turntable. Bring the noise, then turn it down because it's too loud.


I'm getting sued aren't I. 

Knees! How bad can they go
I'm old,
   need a bungalow
Arthritis in me legs inevitable
Not preventable 
I'm just mental...icle! 
Me! Got some pills for aching limbs
though can't see them, when the light is dim.
Lost me glasses, they won't behave
Then I found them, in the microwave. 
What silly mare, put them there?

Boobs! How low can they shake?
I'm fat
     due to so much cake
Pastry is basically detestable
Indigestible
Though, suggestible
Me! Got some pills for number one 
It's my diet I know, IBS not fun
But have a fondness for yummy things
I am blaming, you, Mr Kipling 
Say goodbye to apple pie.






Sunday 11 February 2024

Troosers

 


I've just been working in the local town
It was foggy then frosty now it's peeing down
The usual shout I hear around is..
Postman! Where's your troosers?

Yes the rain may fall and the snow may bite
I'll wear me shorts from noon to night
I've got blue knees, but I'm alright
But they'll still ask bout me troosers

I've just seen the weather in the news report
A gale force wind is a comfort sport
I'll wear a jacket, but I'll still wear shorts
Nope! I'll never wear me troosers 

Yes the the snow may fall and the rain may flood
I'm up to my waist in some gooey mud
My whole life's work would seem a dud
If I started wearing
I'd be swearing

Troosers



I think the post man is called Donald.








Saturday 10 February 2024

Ode to a panic attack

 Really? 

Swear at myself
A bout of brain tourettes
Ffff move yourself
Can't move a little yet

Supermarket nightmare 
I can't do it! Can't you tell
I want to, no I don't
This trips not going well

I don't think I can
I cannot see! I cannot think
It's too peoplely around
I search for other links

Everyone is glaring
Hiding in one spot
Everyone will watch me
Later. No they're really not

Fine! I fumble hands
Sweaty palm and more
I huffy fit my silly self
through the blooming door












Acieeed...... reflux

 Ah the thought of my clubbing days. 

Over to you D mob.




Acid. For older folks
Don't do pastry, it's no joke
Makes you want to gag
Move your feet
Get yourself a Renee sweet

Acid reflux

Feel the burn
Don't do fry ups, you won't learn
Don't trust burps
Take a hint
Gaviscon in peppermint

Acid reflux

Feel the urge
Do a technicolour purge
Bloated madness
Feeling ill
Dulcolax is in a pill

Acid reflux 




Tuesday 6 February 2024

Group therapy

 It is always rather good to see
a group of people just like me
Oh happy folks, though I must add
that most of them are rather mad

Over crafting paper, paint and pen
We now will meet just after ten
And so we share, we laugh, we chat
Do speak your thoughts, it's nice like that

No stress, no fear, just be as one
I'm sure you will have lots of fun
And this is why I think I'll stay
From ten to twelve on most Tuesdays




Sunday 21 January 2024

Greeting cards

 My greeting cards are available to buy on hopefully 

https://donnaswitchyshopltd.co.uk/product/audreys-greetings-cards/

Will do a better link later

Monday 15 January 2024

Happy mehyear

  this year's started in a baggy pants way.


I've had another wisdom tooth out. And though I've had plenty of fans point out that this may have not been a good idea intelligence wise. I would like to point out that it wasn't a barrel of laughs but a barrage of Aggggggghhhhh!


And because I am an awkward sod I've had another dry root. I wouldn't recommend it. 


Ironically that you go to the dentist over a small nag of a pain that annoys you so much that you can't possibly chew on lions bars.


And leave with one less tooth, super antibiotics, painkillers and the general feeling of doom. You should feel better in a few days


A week later. Can't eat solid food, squirming in agony, suffering bouts of incontinence and shouting randomly. 


 According to my mother. I shouted randomly about smelling Weetabix

Thursday 21 December 2023

Wombling

 I've had a weird request, to ruin a Wombling Christmas. Mostly because of his son's love for wombles when he was five.

Not however when he is the age of a teenager, being woken up to a disco in his living room, which mostly is wombles singing on repeat.

Done lovingly by his dear old dad.

Dedicated to Sons that have that sort of Dad.








Opened my eyes
   Woke up to womble music
I think I'll have squish my Dad
    I'm in a rage
No need for wombles singing
 Realise my childhood taste was sad

All day long 
    Dads playing wombling in the room
I'll womble his bloody wombling womble music
All day long
   He's adding anguish to teenage gloom
By playing bloody wombling womble music

I do admit
    I used to like the wombles
Being age five I had to no taste
But please agree
     Now I am mildly older
  My taste is so much cooler*
Wombling songs now cause distaste 

All day long 
    Dads playing wombling music trash
I'll womble his bloody wombling womble music
All day long 
   So please fund me, some moving cash
So I won't need to listen to womble music.

 



* Probably not, it's probably thrash metal or shouty rap.








Tuesday 19 December 2023

Happy holidays my minions

 
I would like to wish all my fans and writing chums a delightful Yuletide.





An alien came travelling


Sorry Chris De Burge. 

 Oh an alien came a travelling, 
we don't know it's name
On a mission on earth, 
what a shame, what a shame
It shone like a star as it burst into flames
And crashed in a field outside Kent
Yes It crash landed rather near Kent

A little hamlet was joyful in sight
To visit a village in In the dead of the night 
The folks did wake, seeing a bright scarlet light
And the face of a predator there

And then everyone died.