The monster mashed into tiny bits

I was sitting in my garden quite late at night
At the corner of my eye i did see a sight
For rising from the dirt by the old wishing well
Was a creature from the darkest depth of hell
He rose from the ground and looked at me
His little red hat was plain to see
The evil in his eyes and a ton of beard
On Halloween, it was something to be feared

He was the Gnome. I threw out months ago
A Zombie Gnome, He came from down below
That ruddy Gnome. He came to murder me
That bloody Gnome. I need to leg it see
A Garden gnome, he had an evil stare
A zombie gnome, I need to be aware
An Evil gnome, my face he wants to smash
This Zombie Gnome, he knows the monster mash

I only blame myself, I should have taken care
To treat him with respect, and always be aware
When I bought the house, I found him in the shed
I threw him in the bin, I thought he was long dead
He wouldn’t fit my Scheme. He really had to go
No gnomes are found in the Chelsea garden show
The R.H.S don’t have a Gnome search bar
(And yes, I checked! It really was bizarre)


It is the Gnome! He's found the bloody mower
That nasty Gnome, he needs to mow it lower
Please mind my new herbaceous border
That ruddy Gnome. Oh, now that's out of order!
Now this means war. It’s just a garden Gnome!
It’s just a Gnome! That has destroyed my home
I’m not afraid. Though my cheeks are redder
I’ll pick him up and stick him in the shredder

So the gnome though he struggled in now in bits
He deserved all he got, because he was a git
I'll dispose of his body in a vat of acid
Make sure he stays dead and always placid
Now warning comes if you find a Gnome
Always treat him nice and keep him at home
As Gnomes are total bastards, be ready to brace
Buy a good wood chipper, they sell them at Home base