Monday, 7 June 2021

Baby names

This seems to be a brand new thing
I hear it in playgrounds
To name their infant with a map
Like cities or some towns

There's, London, Paris, I have heard
And Bristol, Leeds, and Chelsea
Brooklyn, Kent, and India
Preston, Devon, Guernsey

Though it is strange to me I think
I guess life won't be dull
Luckily that I haven't heard 
A child named after Hull.

 













Vibrator

 

 I need something to help me
my muscles ache sometimes
So I thought I'd buy a massage aid
I've seen them sold online

They have a load of colours
and sizes big and small
Many are quite long and thin
some shaped just like a ball

The one I chose looks sturdy
and it's got a good review
They said it really satisfies
its color is bright blue

The lady on the internet
informed it was good stock
but the only problem with it
It is shaped just like a cock

Sunday, 6 June 2021

Pride

Pride Colours

Our rainbow shines
Our colours bright
We all feel blessed
and that's alright

We are all one
we all hold hands
and spread our love
to other lands

But in my mind
one thing to see,
all those colours
just mean 'Free. 








Monday, 24 May 2021

Guinness record

 Dedicated the Charlie Cooper who is going to do something very silly in a rowboat. Find more Here


I am off to buy a little boat
and sail around the coast
To break the Guinness record
is something I want most

I've gone and looked at eBay
those normal boats have gone
So I decided on a Pedalo
that is shaped just like a swan

I can use an oar or peddle it
Depending on my knees
those plastic wings will help me
when i get a little breeze

I'll always keep right near to land
keep well away from ships
I won't need to pack some food
I'll just stop for fish and chips

I'll start of course at John o groats
The weather won't be brill
But it will save a lot of energy
To row the rest downhill










Wednesday, 19 May 2021

Show dogs

 Wrote this poem for a very good chum a few years ago after she asked for one that was similar to This one


edit

I must edit all my work 
For full stops are aplenty
My commas are in the wrong place
I counted more than twenty

And still, I edit them again
A few mistakes unseen
then I gathered far too late
it was just dirt on my screen 





Tuesday, 18 May 2021

Mud

 I have noticed those of Sussex blood
Have loads of words for good old mud
Because old Sussex is quite wet
And thus so is our dialect 

Monday, 10 May 2021

Internet History

The alarms are ringing at the FBI
I'm sure someone is spying
My week of online searches
are bad, there's no denying.

I've searched for different names of porn
and types of Dynamite 
When they see my history
It could cause such a fright

Though they also wonder why?
I also search  for cats
And when I get the best of me
This search is cats and hats

Between the cats, I research war
and types of guns as well
Between the ways to blow stuff up
I search for stuffed gazelles

But please don't fret old FBI
I am a writer see
There is no reason to now spy
on my old History. 

 


Saturday, 24 April 2021

Push up

I once met a lady
who swore that bras are great.
If you wore them all through life
they'd keep your boobies straight

She said it helps those muscles
It keeps your bosom strong
I offered up a story
Which proves that she was wrong

Most older ladies of a time
Wore bras with bits of steel
Or whalebone for their corsets
To keep that cleavage real

With push up bras and bullets
Their boobs were always locked
No chance to have a jiggle
when boobs were always blocked

With all that reinforcement
They still all hit a snag
However bloody much you do
Old boobies will still sag. 





Friday, 23 April 2021

Summer not holiday

 Sorry, Cliff. I have ruined your song. 

We're not going on a summer holiday
Won't be flying to Rio or Rome
Still restrictions on our summer holiday
So we'll have to stay home
Go to Seaford and roam

We're going where the beach is stony 
We are going where the sea is brown
They said it would be sunny
But now it pissing down

We're not going on a summer holiday
Be a nightmare, it is best to stay
All those roadworks on a Summer holiday
It will take you one day
Driving one mile away



Thursday, 22 April 2021

Thingamabob

Everyone needs a thingamabob
It is very helpful on any job
My late father, who was a wonderful man
Also called it 'a cunning plan'

A thingamabob is never the same
It comes with lots of other names
A Gismo, Whatsit and Doodad
Or whatever word is the newest fad

Thingamabobs are simple tools
If you don't own one, you're a fool
What can't be fixed with nails or glue
You'll shout! My thingamabob will do!



 







Wednesday, 21 April 2021

Yamaha Viagra

My brother in law  has reached the age
Where being silly is all the rage
He plays golf. Keep that in mind
And not the decent miniature kind

Knows his wedges from his wood
Though, I never asked. Is he any good?
I jest, of course, a true golf lover
With a selection of crochet novelty covers

He cycles as well. Did I say he was weird?
He is a class that should be feared
Faster than a speeding comet
Colour of shorts, the hue of vomit. 

Now Manopause has hit old Mike
He's gone and bought a Motorbike
Make is Yamaha Vi Agra 
Why buy a bike?.... He owns a car!





Tuesday, 20 April 2021

Too tired to write a decent poem

I am feeling tired and rather like poo

so this poem will just have to do. 



Unless I'm awake and have minutes to spare

I may find more words that I would like to share



But for now, I am sleepy It's been a hard day

So I may leave my words for another good day 













Monday, 19 April 2021

Nails

Using a hammer takes great skill
Or so my mother said
One holds it right a certain way
to hit nails on their head

Mother said my handy work
Was something of a crime
For one hit of my hammer,
I could bend that nail four times

I struggle on quite blissfully
Used string when I did fail
The ones I really struggled with
Were those crinkle-cut brass nails.







Oh, they are screws! 










Sunday, 18 April 2021

Faces past

 I am not ashamed of my life
It's part of who I am
My mental health is part of me
it's part of my program

For many years, I lied a lot
Hid from my faces past
I tried in vain to just fit in
My phases did not last

I was self-conscious of my soul
My body and my mind
And hid my scars and thoughts of ill
As people seemed unkind

The fear. It's always inner fear
that stops all trust in you
A simple act of speaking out
It helps you to breakthrough

I am not ashamed of my life
It made me kind and true
I wish I was more honest then
And opened up to you.