Hello it's me

 Write a poem about who you are, asked one fan..

I am a writer

of a very model rhyming lass

My words are pretty normal

though generally quite sweary crass

I'd write about the subjects

Where fans use types of hypnosis 

Which is why my chosen titles

all linger slightly on abyss

I am a writer

I'm slightly barmy in my style

I write to not get famous

I do it cos it makes folk smile

Of course my fans could pay me

to read the poems on me page?....

But most of them were bribed to join-

I haven't really left that stage...

Slight cheat

Because I feel like pants today

My words today won't start

The only topic that came to me

was an ode about my farts

So in truth it's a lucky escape for you

Old age goodies

 

When you are younger,

you say, you won't get old

And yes we all think like that

but we could not be told

And suddenly the notion 

comes like a bullet train

A random catalogue

that makes you older and insane

It used to come in magazines 

or leaflets on their own

Of wonderfully random things

to help you in your home

And flicking through the pages

oh yes, you're now aware

That what was missing from you life

was an arm tray for your chair

Ooh look at all the pretty stuff

 I thought I would not need

A flashing welcome garden gnome

A tool for pulling weeds

An organiser spinning thing

for kitchen herbs and tins

Oh look at this, whoever knew!

Pretty stickers for your bins.

I never thought new tea towels 

would give me such delight

Or that I need a toilet seat

that has a built in light

I love these fangled gizmos 

Now I'm really of that stage

where I'm looking at the catalogue 

for products for old age.

Witches are in

There's incense cones 

 incense sticks

and candles short and tall

Tarot cards for oracles

and lovely crystal balls

Natural rock and crystals

in every shape and hue

Magical collections just right for me and you

Herbalism healing. 

Teas and sachet bags

For Witches male and female, 

and maiden, mother, hag

Alters cloth's and goblets, 

and elemental signs

Which ever corner you do call

there's something you will find

Pentagrams and pentacles

Symbols, sigils, runes

Goddess, gods or nature

Earth and sky and moon

Sabbath celebrations

You'll find your offerings

Always there to welcome you

at the shop called the Witchs In

Ideas

 Once again I struggle with words

I need some innovation

Will I have dreams of helpful prompts 

Or wake with new frustration 

Half asleep an idea does come

But I'll remember when I wake

Now I am awake, I cannot recall

So I'm back to frustration! Faff sake!

So now bed, this time with a pad

A pen and Dictaphone 

I mutter ideas in the land of dreams

My words are clear and known

The dictaphone recorded my words

I feel giddy now I'm awake

Nope, my mistake, I now hear my words

"I'm being chased by a chicken, send cake!"

I have some weird dreams...

Ode to short

Tonight my poem is quite wee

I cannot think of stuff you see

At least theres something you can view

I'm just afraid it will have to do.

I know my dearest mum will say

I think it is too short today

But sorry dear, my words are fleeting 

Which is why today I feel like cheating

Diana dogs

 Diana of the moon

Had lovely dogs for smooches 

Snuggle-russ and Pooch-ocion*

Her loyal faithful pooches

Hunting stags and other beasts

Her gorgeous dogs would travel

Wonder if her dogs had fleas

Or scratched their bums on gravel...

 It's something I think about late at night...

Don't get me started on Cerberus, the three headed dog

When ablutions happen, do they take it in turns?

*Spellings vary, or in fact are totally different.

Normal thoughts

 I try and think of simple words

to say how I do feel

Try and tell others folks

But they'll say it's not real 

My mind is foggy with suspense 

Is my thoughts fantasy?

Is that why people say

'you think too much you see'

But what is real? I ask them

What is a normal mind ?

Not one hint of suggestion 

So answers' hard to find

Innit

Time to change some letterz

So me words will sound more kewl

Nope! My brain isn't wired for silly talk. That's enough of that nonsense

Idiot review

Folk like to use these fancy notions 

Getting miffed when others like to speak

Look at me, yes you're weird

I'm upset!. That's the fear

But I'd forget what you said by next week

If your faith thinks their lifestyle is evil 

There's sure to be faith that hates you

But it doesn't matter now

Worship, dragons, trees or cows

Or the great Pokémon Pikachu 

Don't push your beliefs on people (me)

For your values could be odd or quite weird   (Mine are)

Don't wear fish or green grass

Or have pets with no arse

Or eat anything with hair or a beard

It just seems a misunderstanding 

When folks get upset when online

Don't act like a prat

Just because they hates hats

People do make mistakes all the time

I find age tends to fuel many problems

And myself tends to find ideas quite bold

Is it two plus two four?

But that chap said its more

You can't rewrite you brain when you're old

Shout them out if it helps to change things

Shout about the help for others too

Just be kind show you care

Baby steps, but be aware

There will always be an idiot review 

To quote my lovely dear father

'"Everyone's entitled to their wrong opinion

But the moment you point it out, your opinion is also wrong"'

Clothes

Clothes shouldn't have pronouns 

They shouldn't be female or male

It's sexist to think all girls like pretty

We lack such a choice on a rail

What is the thing with one size fits all

They assume all us women are straight*

dresses for chaps. Their boobs don't need room

and their hips never seem to gain weight

The rumours that girls carry more items

But provision of  pockets aren't there

handbags are awkward, they get in the way

So the lack of a pouch is unfair

Most of my clothes are not very average

I'm wide so the choices are grim

I given up looking for feminine clothes

So my pronouns of clothes are 'for him'

* Straight as flat, in a non bendy way

The knitting witches

Cast the circle, pull up a chair

Park your bottom anywhere

Call the corners, need more rows

On this pretty crochet throw

Ask the priestess what she thinks

Is this wool that colour pink

Knitting needles cast a spell

No dropped stitches, mote it well

Invoke the pearl and sometimes knit

In-between the tales of wit

Crochet hook in deosil squares

Secret signs and patterns share

Smell coffee drink the tea

Happy knitting witches we

Wool will run out in the end

But we'll always be good friends

Hero

Holding out for a hero

Need a strong and faithful type

faithful lovely Mr Sheen

My furniture needs a wipe

Please can you save me

Mr muscle, do my drains

While you're there, please clean the sink

Remove the splashes and stains

Dark pagan

 Pagan author Kimberley Morgan has asked me to write a well meaning poem about the darker side of paganism.

It's like she doesn't even know me.

The darker side of paganism

A shadowed place at night

They haven't changed their batteries 

Which is why it has no light

Their chaos in their magic

Their eyes in shadows squint 

No wonder it turns to chaos 

For they cannot read the print.

They like their moody colours

To match their obscure hearts

It really can get boring

glancing down the Dulux chart

With blackened doors and windows

And ceilings, walls and drapes

They cannot find the exit

Can't find the door! God's sake!

They fumble in the darkness

Their hands stretched out in vain

And barefoot stand on lego skulls

Which is why they seem in pain

Rain

The weather girls prediction 

In the year  1983

Was all about the rain

about how deadly it could be

It's raining men! They shouted

Get on the streets? Go home!

The streets are full of flooding

With Y male chromosome 

It's raining men? How awful

It's loud when we get hail

The noise of men all falling

Must have been full scale

Forget about umbrellas 

I think you'll need hard hats

Getting wet is obvious 

When raining men go splat

Thankfully our weather 

Is not as bad as then

We get, it's raining cats and dogs

But at least it don't rain men.