Mum's daughter

 

Mum always said I was the strangest daughter

I'd graze my knee, I'd run and then hide

It's cos my mummy saw my scratches 

I was fleeing away from a vat of peroxide

(Seriously, she used to lie saying it wouldn't hurt, she fibbed)

Mum always said I was the weirdest daughter

with curly hair, which mum called the pits

so many knots and so many tangles

My hair was cut off, she said, because I had nits

(I had curly hair, it was very upsetting, I don't want to talk about it)

Mum always said I was the loopest daughter 

I'd wade into streams, fresh water I'd drink

Wearing a fetching knitted swimsuit

i nearly drowned, wool tended to sink

(I drowned often, we lived near a river, then dad built a swimming pool, so I could drown while contained)

I am my mummys weirdest daughter 

Not shown you photos, but trust me instead

When people look it causes laughter

Half naked, wellies and a bucket on my head

(I'll dig them out one day, they are pretty hysterical)

Artificial lacking

I don't trust

That new A and I

The reason for this 

I will tell you why 

its artificial 

It's in the name

It's stealing ideas

lacks original fame

It's lazy work 

It's fake news art

It's lack of smell

found in a fart

its plagiarism 

It's a cult to be joined

It's do it this way

with a hint of purloined

It's an unhelpful suggestion 

It's underlined red

It may hint at my spelling

..it has to be said.

Though I am sure I am safe

My words won't entice 

For if A I does read it

sure it'll think twice

Beetroot

Be pickled, steamed, cooked or raw

This root is something I do abhor

who want to eat a plate of gore

I really hate beetroot 

Its vile and looks as if it's bled

It's turned my food a nasty red

My dinners now on it's deathbed

I really hate beetroot 

It colours scarlet, now it's pink

It's even dyed my blooming sink

The juice looks like a vampire drink

I really hate beetroot 

What is it doing inside me

I darted to the loo you see

The toilets red so is my pee

I really hate beetroot 

I never see

I'm sure it does happen but. I have observed.

I never see a normal thing

Of working women on lunch breaks

kicking about a football in the park

Or meeting up on breaks to lark

I never see women in general

Living in hardware shops

In garden centers no women queue

in groups around the barbeques

I never see women randomly 

looking lost in supermarkets

Or leaving trolleys out of line

while staring blankly at beer and wine.

Fish

 Day 1 of postering rhyming nonsense it's NaPoWriMo.

Fishes 

looking for love?

The best advice given

Plenty of fish in the sea

Such romance 

Seen a flounder I like

Hoping that it will soon fancy me

Looking for love?

The best advise given

Plenty of fish in the dark

Don't be so fussy 

have a wonderful time

Have a fling with a hammer head shark

Looking for love

The best advice given 

Plenty of types for a wish

I'm now in love

Seen a blobfish I like

Just look at his face, what a dish

Garden beasties

Dedicated to Jo and her love of garden beasties from the UK

She don't like slugs, she don't like snails

She doesn't like their slimy trails

Or any insect with a tail

Especially those worms

She don't like toads, she don't like frogs

Or creatures that live in a bog

She hates to see those pollywogs

Or anything that squirms

She don't like lizards nor those snakes

no slithering please, for goodness sake

Don't give those pesky scales a shake

or fleeing she shall go

She don't like bugs that poke and sting

Of whirly whatsits on the wings

And pretty much all funny things

She's very odd that Jo.

Drunken pirate

 What shall we do with the drunken pirate

What shall we do with the drunken pirate 

Let's stand back and all admire it

Early in the morning 

He is intoxicated 

He is inebriated 

His style is now x rated

Half seas over pirate

Shave his eyebrows with a shaver 

Sharpie pens are a life saver

Fill his hat with cheesy quavers

Early in the morning

He is intoxicated 

He is inebriated 

His style in understated 

Half seas over pirate

Paint his face, so he looks the part

Chuck him in a skip or a wheelie cart

Tate modern, I've made a piece of art

Early in the morning 

He is intoxicated 

He is inebriated 

Critics say he now top rated

Half seas over pirate

Replace his hat with a traffic cone

Write a sign, if found send home

Please return to the O2 Dome

Early in the morning

He is intoxicated 

Still think he's inebriated 

Unconscious overrated 

Early in the morning

What shall we do with the drunken pirate

What shall we do with the drunken pirate 

So much to do to the drunken pirate

Early in the morning.

Writing helpful labels

 Twas the night just last Friday

and through the abode

With boxes a plenty, 

the men did unload

For this poet was moving

To a house now in town

As I did pack the boxes 

It was chaos unbound 

Well I got bored just writing

kitchen, bathroom and such

I decided quite madly

needs a good poets touch

For the labels on boxes

Helpful not for the task

"This label says Whips"

said the chap, had to ask

My labels were bonkers

I wrote 'contains skulls'

and bad taxidermy 

of roadkill seagulls

It's bottles of air

If it's heavy, it's bricks

and a label in red

said collection of sticks

I wrote labels a plenty

And I'm sorry dear mates

I realized, I'm foolish..

for I can't find the plates

 

Good to talk.

 It's good to talk, I hear them say

hashtag part lie around today

A copy paste, unfretful thumb

As enthusiastic as humdrum

The band wagon, do show you care

I'm here, a click and awkward share

As fleeting as an April shower

Only available for 24 hours

Worse, glance down, look at your friends

Notice those now at wits end

Unless you message, let's chat, let's walk

Don't post the hashtag  'it's good to talk'

Triggered mental health and me

The pretence Pseudology

It's bad enough help is so rare

But please don't pretend you care

Botox

 I know of many ladies

Using Botox, oh God why

The only filler I'd let near my face

is the filler in a pie

Love

 Love is a simple touch

A hand that says I'm here

A smile without any words

A laugh, a cry, a tear

Love is simply kindness

Love is being there

Love is something good

Love just means to care.

Happy new year

 Happy new year to all my followers.

You won't hear from me for a while as I will be moving house.

All

 Twas the day of the solstice 

 and all through the world

For the ancients had come

Their reasons are told

The seasons were changing

 they looked to the sun

With hundreds of faiths, 

all standing as one

With Druids and Celtic

 and Roman and Norse

Slavic and shaman

 and Germanic of course 

With Heathens and witches

And Wiccans we stand

Peaceful and happy

across this fair land

Some have one deity

Others have more

Gods and the goddesses 

From shore to shore

Some worship nature

Some worship none

But still come together 

To welcome the sun

No words come in anger

with what you perceive

You will not get punished 

for what you believe 

No one feels they're better

No faith is the way

It is what brings you comfort

at the end of the day

The world still keeps spinning 

No need for disguise 

If you banned all religions 

The sun would still rise

We would still come together 

and welcome the light

I would promise 

It would be a wonderful sight.

Floody wonderland

Dedicated to those who have floods this year

Weather man says it's raining

In the queue, we've complaining

We won't get the snow

But it's Christmas who knows

We're walking in a floody wonderland 

It's just rain you are hearing

Leaky roof you are fearing

It's belting tonight

Hope it stops by first light

walking in a floody wonderland

There's no chance for the traders

Less you own boots and waders

The drains are a joke

Cos the council is broke

Walking in the floody wonderland

Do give up on the shopping

Offer up, I'll do mopping

The weather's not dry

Seen a swan swimming by

Walking in a floody wonderland 

Walking in a bloody floody muddy wonderland 

Advent of mild disappointment

 Advent calendars are cool today

With a gift found in every date

But I do recall my time as a child

that the choices were slightly cheapskate 

Just a door with nothing inside

Just an image found slightly in blur

Oh a bell or a wonky snowman

And I think a wise man holding myrrh

Do take care my mummy would say

Don't tear the window my dear

That's because my mummy was tight

We had the same bloody one every year.