New tablet, it's weird. Or it actually works and I'm just not used to it working like.
Poems by Audrey Haney
total shenanigans
Sunday, 27 April 2025
Sunday, 13 April 2025
Fat
I've gone back to the doctor
My depression is quite bad
But speaking to this lady
has made me angry mad
She ignored all my problems
And suddenly just like that
The reason for depression
Is down to being fat!!
I've had it since my late teens
My moods would fluctuate
When I was an anorexic
They never mentioned weight
Such patronising nonsense
I'm glad I could now say
To blame my long term illness
On being fat today!!!!
Monday, 7 April 2025
Birds of the darker hue
Us pagans like ravens, cos ravens seem cool
Us pagans like dark, which is odd for a rule
Liking Corvids in general, we are partial to crows
In darks hues in black from it's beak to its toes
We like birds with power, in our lore, in our heart
Plus they are photographic and they look good in art
Be Odin, Apollo or Morgan le fay
They would always pick black at the end of the day
It seems rather boring our pallete of shades
For pagans in general like natures cascade's
for witches like purple and Druids like green
But it's always a raven or a crow that is seen
So let's change our feelings and start a new trial
Let's bring in some colour in birds in all style
Look forward to art showing old Merlin with charm
With a colourful budgie asleep in his arms
Sunday, 6 April 2025
Saturday, 5 April 2025
Mum's daughter
Mum always said I was the strangest daughter
I'd graze my knee, I'd run and then hide
It's cos my mummy saw my scratches
I was fleeing away from a vat of peroxide
(Seriously, she used to lie saying it wouldn't hurt, she fibbed)
Mum always said I was the weirdest daughter
with curly hair, which mum called the pits
so many knots and so many tangles
My hair was cut off, she said, because I had nits
(I had curly hair, it was very upsetting, I don't want to talk about it)
Mum always said I was the loopest daughter
I'd wade into streams, fresh water I'd drink
Wearing a fetching knitted swimsuit
i nearly drowned, wool tended to sink
(I drowned often, we lived near a river, then dad built a swimming pool, so I could drown while contained)
I am my mummys weirdest daughter
Not shown you photos, but trust me instead
When people look it causes laughter
Half naked, wellies and a bucket on my head
(I'll dig them out one day, they are pretty hysterical)
Friday, 4 April 2025
Artificial lacking
I don't trust
That new A and I
The reason for this
I will tell you why
its artificial
It's in the name
It's stealing ideas
lacks original fame
It's lazy work
It's fake news art
It's lack of smell
found in a fart
its plagiarism
It's a cult to be joined
It's do it this way
with a hint of purloined
It's an unhelpful suggestion
It's underlined red
It may hint at my spelling
..it has to be said.
Though I am sure I am safe
My words won't entice
For if A I does read it
sure it'll think twice
Thursday, 3 April 2025
Beetroot
Be pickled, steamed, cooked or raw
This root is something I do abhor
who want to eat a plate of gore
I really hate beetroot
Its vile and looks as if it's bled
It's turned my food a nasty red
My dinners now on it's deathbed
I really hate beetroot
It colours scarlet, now it's pink
It's even dyed my blooming sink
The juice looks like a vampire drink
I really hate beetroot
What is it doing inside me
I darted to the loo you see
The toilets red so is my pee
I really hate beetroot
Wednesday, 2 April 2025
I never see
I'm sure it does happen but. I have observed.
I never see a normal thing
Of working women on lunch breaks
kicking about a football in the park
Or meeting up on breaks to lark
I never see women in general
Living in hardware shops
In garden centers no women queue
in groups around the barbeques
I never see women randomly
looking lost in supermarkets
Or leaving trolleys out of line
while staring blankly at beer and wine.
Tuesday, 1 April 2025
Fish
Day 1 of postering rhyming nonsense it's NaPoWriMo.
Fishes
looking for love?
The best advice given
Plenty of fish in the sea
Such romance
Seen a flounder I like
Hoping that it will soon fancy me
Looking for love?
The best advise given
Plenty of fish in the dark
Don't be so fussy
have a wonderful time
Have a fling with a hammer head shark
Looking for love
The best advice given
Plenty of types for a wish
I'm now in love
Seen a blobfish I like
Just look at his face, what a dish
Tuesday, 11 March 2025
Garden beasties
Dedicated to Jo and her love of garden beasties from the UK
She don't like slugs, she don't like snails
She doesn't like their slimy trails
Or any insect with a tail
Especially those worms
She don't like toads, she don't like frogs
Or creatures that live in a bog
She hates to see those pollywogs
Or anything that squirms
She don't like lizards nor those snakes
no slithering please, for goodness sake
Don't give those pesky scales a shake
or fleeing she shall go
She don't like bugs that poke and sting
Of whirly whatsits on the wings
And pretty much all funny things
She's very odd that Jo.
Saturday, 8 March 2025
Drunken pirate
What shall we do with the drunken pirate
What shall we do with the drunken pirate
Let's stand back and all admire it
Early in the morning
He is intoxicated
He is inebriated
His style is now x rated
Half seas over pirate
Shave his eyebrows with a shaver
Sharpie pens are a life saver
Fill his hat with cheesy quavers
Early in the morning
He is intoxicated
He is inebriated
His style in understated
Half seas over pirate
Paint his face, so he looks the part
Chuck him in a skip or a wheelie cart
Tate modern, I've made a piece of art
Early in the morning
He is intoxicated
He is inebriated
Critics say he now top rated
Half seas over pirate
Replace his hat with a traffic cone
Write a sign, if found send home
Please return to the O2 Dome
Early in the morning
He is intoxicated
Still think he's inebriated
Unconscious overrated
Early in the morning
What shall we do with the drunken pirate
What shall we do with the drunken pirate
So much to do to the drunken pirate
Early in the morning.
Thursday, 27 February 2025
Writing helpful labels
Twas the night just last Friday
and through the abode
With boxes a plenty,
the men did unload
For this poet was moving
To a house now in town
As I did pack the boxes
It was chaos unbound
Well I got bored just writing
kitchen, bathroom and such
I decided quite madly
needs a good poets touch
For the labels on boxes
Helpful not for the task
"This label says Whips"
said the chap, had to ask
My labels were bonkers
I wrote 'contains skulls'
and bad taxidermy
of roadkill seagulls
It's bottles of air
If it's heavy, it's bricks
and a label in red
said collection of sticks
I wrote labels a plenty
And I'm sorry dear mates
I realized, I'm foolish..
for I can't find the plates
Thursday, 6 February 2025
Good to talk.
It's good to talk, I hear them say
hashtag part lie around today
A copy paste, unfretful thumb
As enthusiastic as humdrum
The band wagon, do show you care
I'm here, a click and awkward share
As fleeting as an April shower
Only available for 24 hours
Worse, glance down, look at your friends
Notice those now at wits end
Unless you message, let's chat, let's walk
Don't post the hashtag 'it's good to talk'
Triggered mental health and me
The pretence Pseudology
It's bad enough help is so rare
But please don't pretend you care
Saturday, 25 January 2025
Botox
I know of many ladies
Using Botox, oh God why
The only filler I'd let near my face
is the filler in a pie
Wednesday, 22 January 2025
Love
Love is a simple touch
A hand that says I'm here
A smile without any words
A laugh, a cry, a tear
Love is simply kindness
Love is being there
Love is something good
Love just means to care.
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